Do you ever wonder why you let your mind go to the places it does. Consumed with thoughts that do nothing but help foster your insecurities. Thoughts that help promote fear within yourself. Thoughts that you can control, over scenarios that you have no control over.
I think about this all the time, as I continue to allow my brain to belittle all that I want for myself. With every choice I make that helps me to elude my actual desires for myself.
What I am doing is taking the easy way. What I am doing is self sabotage. What I am doing is less than everything I want to be… One day at a time. One realization at a time.
When a fight with your spouse makes you feel distant with them it makes life less enjoyable. Tensions run high, you are quick to be annoyed. I am not a fan of this. I find it to be incredibly frustrating.
Words that are spoken aloud hold weight. They just do. Even when they are co mingled with the truth, it does not mean that the words that are ill spoken disappear. In fact for me it tends to do the opposite. It muttles the truthful words.
My mom has always had the philosophy that she will not speak anything that may hurt anothers feelings. This is something that I have not always agreed with. Yet in instances where someone else says something that hurts me, I tend to feel like those words should not have been spoken. Even if it is truly what they were feeling at the time. A bit of a double standard right? I can not have my cake and eat it too.
I believe what it really comes down to is that I get frustrated with myself. I usually have a lot of things I want to say and don’t. I am scared. Sometimes I am worried that I may hurt the other person. Sometimes it is simply that I am worried about what the outcome of those words will be. The problem then becomes that the feelings associated with whatever it is that I don’t speak do not go away simply because I don’t speak them. They may leave momentarily but they are still there and every time an issue comes up so do all those words. They come up because I don’t let them out.
I am sure this post is somewhat confusing because there is no back story to go along with it.
When did I become so afraid to speak my mind? Will I ever become more comfortable with confrontation?When did the feelings of others become more important than my own? Why do I let others come first often at my own expense? How do I change this behavior in myself? Do I want to change this behavior in myself?
This is what is running around in my melon this morning… I hope you all have a great day!
I have had this blog for a little while now and as you can see I have not published very many blogs. It is funny because I have many that I write and discard usually because I worry that it is too personal. Like something I say may possibly upset someone, which is funny because I don’t think anyone I know reads my blogs or is following me. Today however I have decided that I am going to change. One thing that drives me crazy is that most of society wants to sell the concept that everything is great all the time. On Facebook people post the pretty pictures of their life, the filtered I want you to think this of me media. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t that I don’t understand this desire. I used to filter the shit out of my pictures, and of course those were the ones that received the most praise, likes, etc…I wanted to put out there all the great things I was doing. Look at how awesome my kids are at sports, look I just bought a car, look at me I work out. If I would rant and say how I really felt about things it would make people feel uncomfortable and nine times out of ten it would be crickets out there.
In my opinion people are afraid to share the real rawness of life. They don’t want to talk about what a shit their teenager is being. That they are maybe feeling depressed because even though you see a picture of them working out, inside they feel like a fatty who isn’t getting anywhere. Maybe they got in a huge fight with there significant other and feel like their world is crashing down, yet wont talk about it for fear of what people might think or say. Because people do think and say, and not normally to your face.
So I have decided that I would like to talk about it all. The beautiful, the raw, whatever the heck I feel like and people can like it or not. The fact is the reason why I like blogs is for this reason, to get an inside view of the thoughts we as humans think. And I would like to share all my crazy with you as well. Who knows maybe my ramblings will help someone or something. The fact is though I am going to do this purely for myself. This is a really rare thing for me and scary….so wish me luck 🙂
X’s and O’s
I love reading blogs! There is a certain connection I find from reading them. I enjoy the fact that people take a minute to put themselves out there. A way for people to get out some of the thoughts in their head, a way to try and connect with others in a society that is so falsely connected. Though I could ramble on and give many opinions on social media ( twitter,facebook, instagram,etc), I will refrain. Maybe it is silly for me to think differently about a blog post. People just feel more authentic. My husband thinks I am strange for enjoying them so, but I truly find people intriguing and I enjoy my connection with them when I read their words.
So I guess this post will simply be a “Thank you” to all the bloggers out there! Thank you for sharing a part of yourself, for putting a part of you out there into the world for me to experience. I enjoy you and think you are special!
X’s and O’s
I read this the other day and it resonated within me, so I thought I would share..
“ You Chose
You chose to give away your love.
You chose to have a broken heart.
You chose to give up.
You chose to hang on.
You chose to react.
You chose to feel insecure.
You chose to feel anger.
You chose to fight back.
You chose to have hope.
You chose to be naïve.
You chose to ignore your intuition.
You chose to ignore advice.
You chose to look the other way.
You chose to not listen.
You chose to be stuck in the past.
You chose your perspective.
You chose to blame.
You chose to be right.
You chose your pride.
You chose your games.
You chose your ego.
You chose your paranoia.
You chose to compete.
You chose your enemies.
You chose your consequences.
However, you are not alone. Generations of women in your family have chosen. Women around the world have chosen. We all have chosen at one time in our lives. We stand behind you now screaming:
Choose to let go.
Choose to forgive yourself.
Choose to forgive others.
Choose to see your value.
Choose to show the world you’re not a victim.
Choose to make us proud.”
― Shannon L. Alder
Remembering that I am choosing all that my life is, is the key!
X’s and O’s
In my life I strive for happiness. I aspire to align myself on paths that lead me to feeling positive, confident, and calm.
Sometimes I wonder if this is possible.
Sometimes I feel like my mind will swallow me up.
Sometimes I spend more time thinking and worrying about all sorts of things I can’t control, than focusing on what I can.
Sometimes I want to freak out.
Sometimes I feel beautiful.
Sometimes I feel like I need so much work on the inside, that I will never truly see my worth.
Sometimes I feel smart.
I want to find this path I seek and saunter down it.
I am awaiting to go and get an ultrasound to discover what the knot is in my stomach, and it is driving me crazy. By the time my appointment comes it will have been close to two weeks. I am not a good at waiting, and then put in the fact that I could have something really wrong makes it awful. I just worst case scenario the shit out of the situation. It hasn’t helped that I have actually been feeling crappy along with it. I really thought when I went to the doctors appointment that they were going to say “aw it’s just a hernia it will go away in time” no need to worry. Then my husband could say I told you so, and laugh at me and that would be that.
Being faced with something potentially life altering really puts your mind in a crazy place. I am 38, a wife, mother of 5 awesome kids,and a grandma to an adorable little man. I have a wonderful crazy life that I adore and the prospect of something coming along to try and take it away from me is so disturbing. I wish that my head was strong enough to just think positively about the situation. Not just for myself but for my husband as well. I know if they tell me I have something to worry about then my brain will kick in and the positivity will flow. Twisted right? I am the positivity crusader when it comes to others misfortunes, it is my own I suck at!
For the past week I have been scared. I am fearful. I fear the unknown.
The one thing that has changed I can say is the way I look at my family, and my time. Taking the time to be present in my moments throughout the day. Expressing my love for my family through my actions and words. Enjoying my life, and no matter what the outcome is on Monday, this experience has taught me so much. Life is about so much more than we choose to focus on. I think in these days leading to the ultrasound I will choose to just be present in each day, each moment.
For those who read my words thank you! I have decided that even if they come out strange I am going to keep on writing because I really enjoy it 🙂
Have a wonderful day!