I have been thinking a lot lately about my current weight. I find myself in this constant battle between trying to feel good in the skin I am currently sporting, and the overwhelming feeling I have to lose weight. It is amazing the amount of pressure I put on myself to uphold a certain image. I have been living life, and not too concerned with working out a lot. Anyone who knows me know that this is not like me. In fact it is a bit opposite from how I have been living my life for the past 5 yearsish.
At one point in my life I was pretty large for my body. I never really noticed it, what I knew was that I was extremely unhappy. I drank a lot…a lot. I smoked, I worked in the restaurant industry so I kept odd hours and ate whatever I wanted. It wasn’t until after giving birth to my first child that I think I noticed my weight as an issue. Looking back at pictures of myself I wonder how it took me so long. It is truly baffling. I had three children within 4 years, I found the love of my life, and left an unhappy relationship. I was very motivated to lose the weight.
I began slowly with my obsession with losing weight and getting fit. I had babies, so therefore had baby weight to lose.
Why does you size matter if you never enjoy the weight you are at?
When I was a size 6 it was never good enough. I would still look in the mirror and feel like I was too heavy, not attractive. So what good does it do you to put in all this work to never feel contentment? At one point in my fitness journey I was Teaching my cardio kickboxing class 2x’s a week, taking Zumba 2x’s a week and Crossfitting 3-5 x’s a week. I worked 5 days a week and have 5 children. Eventually my love of Crossfit took over. Being a part of the Crossfit Community became larger than life, they became my family. The gym was my home. I did things with my body physically I had never done before. I became an “athlete”. I look back at it all and cant help but feel bad for my children. I know I can spin it and say “look at what a great example” I was to them. Really what it was was me focusing on myself and not on my children and family, my work or my house. They got a mom consumed with the gym and working out,and still was never truly happy. There was a certain amount of guilt that always clouded things in some form or another.
I decided to make some changes. Change is tough!!
I tell you all of this because it is a part of my story, it is a part of me that I feel like sharing.
I still look in the mirror and find the flaws first. My belly is too big, look at all the cellulite on my butt and legs. It gets to be exhausting. I find the only time I have truly been able to see myself is through pictures. I can’t tell you how many times I have gone through old pictures and said things like ” that was me?” “look how skinny I was”
The image I see of myself in the mirror tells a different story, so I am learning how to view differently.
If you are like me and struggle with the reflection you see in the mirror know that you are not alone. I am here with you, working on loving who I see no matter what phase of my life I am in. I imagine now you can tell why this blog is called Ramble on, because I have a tendency to…
Love to you-
I love reading blogs! There is a certain connection I find from reading them. I enjoy the fact that people take a minute to put themselves out there. A way for people to get out some of the thoughts in their head, a way to try and connect with others in a society that is so falsely connected. Though I could ramble on and give many opinions on social media ( twitter,facebook, instagram,etc), I will refrain. Maybe it is silly for me to think differently about a blog post. People just feel more authentic. My husband thinks I am strange for enjoying them so, but I truly find people intriguing and I enjoy my connection with them when I read their words.
